An experience you never WANT to experience, but it's my experience now.
For about a month I felt a lump in my breast. I'd felt lumps before and they turned out to be water cysts that could be aspirated. Well...not this lump. This lump felt different because it wasn't moving.
5/23/19So, after getting the order right for a mammogram and ultrasound I go to the mammogram.
The moment after the mammogram I sat there waiting for the ultrasound and already knew it wasn't good.
The ultrasound lady asked me: "Did you get hit?" No. "Did you get in an accident" No.
The doctor comes in and looks at the ultrasound and then feels the lump and tries to move it. She looks at me and says: "well you have to get a biopsy". I say: "so, it's not a cyst?" "No, its a mass".
She starts walking towards the door and I ask: Does it look like cancer?" She says YES.
I say: "so what does that mean?" She said: "It means we have to cut it out. It's big we might need to shrink it down first but we have to get it out of you."
I'm sitting there in some form of shock. I get dressed and now they take me into another room that looks like a comfortable den and you get a card for a cancer "navigator" person who will hep you through your "journey".
Oh, here we go. I'm caught up in the medical "system". Still thinking good grief can this not be true. Then I say out loud: "Is this how you find out you have cancer?" and the tears start to fall. Sue the lady who did my mammogram hugs me and says I'm going to be fine. Everything will be fine. I then get an appointment for a biopsy.
5/28/19The day of the biopsy - so much, so much.
All I can remember is thinking thank God I ended up in Williamsburg, VA. The ladies, the doctor were beautiful and helpful people. Numbing the breast, putting in a needle, the noises, the clicks of taking the samples. The bandages, the icepacks, THEN the binder.
You don't have the real actual results yet but you are given a "cancer binder", appointment with the surgeon and oncology. WHAT? I don't want this binder. I don't want the "journey".
Any way it was becoming clear to me that these folks already knew it was a cancerous BEFORE the results came back.
I'm still thinking what in the world is happening here.
Then I get dressed and Sue who was so helpful told me how great the surgeon is and how much I'm going to like him. How did she know because He did HER cancer surgery. Then it all made sense why she was talking about minimalism and giving away/throwing away stuff you don't need while she was prepping me for the biopsy.
She looked healthy. She looked happy. Leaving I'm thinking okay I might be okay.
5/31/19I go through the stages of grief.
Let it not be cancer, even though I know it probably is, but still holding on to hope. Then I get the call to make an appointment to get the results. I say, please just tell me over the phone since the doctor basically already told me. The navigator agrees and Dr. Dunn gets on the phone and confirms it's cancer and I'm going to be fine. I thank her for being direct and frank and the navigator gets back on the phone and tells me about the next steps and that she's try to be with me with the surgeon appointment.
There it is I'm a cancer patient....and now to the black folder project....
I don't feel like I'm going to die tomorrow...I mean I might but I think they can cut out this cancer.
I now feel like I've got a limited time to get my son ready for living in the world without me, but I think this might be a good segway to that. I've always been healthy but this is a major medical scare. He's going to see me sick, going to chemo, getting surgery, etc.
This is real life or death staring at you in the face. I've been preparing him almost all his life for living without me, now that I KNOW it could happen quicker than I anticipated I will live out the rest of my life showing him how much I love him.
Cancer...a wake-up call...glad I have a black folder but now I know I need more information in it.
- Now I know I need to purge all the "stuff" I have that is really a bunch of accumulated junk.
- Now I know that another day really isn't promised.
- Now I know I need to find out the name of The Most High God, The I Am, EL, Yahweh...I want to know the name. I want to read all the books I have gathered about the bible, the hidden books not in the bible...and now I'll probably have time on my hands to do just that.
I don't know where this cancer diagnosis, treatment and hopefully in the end cure/cancer free experience will take me and the Black Folder Project but time will tell. Time will tell.