January 4, 2020
August 3 - Sitting in The House. Sitting in a Room.
It has dawned on me that I have sat in the house and in a room more than I've ever sat in my memory.
Times I remember sitting before:
1. Sitting at my childhood home looking out the upstairs window at the world going by wondering why I wasn't having fun and it seemed everyone else was.
2. Sitting in my dorm room at VCU window looking at this guys room wondering who was in there with him and hoping he saw me sitting in the window.
3. Sitting in my home office working on papers for grad school while looking at my neighbors in the pool having a good time. Wondering why I was torturing myself trying to get another degree.
4. Sitting as I was making art/crafts enjoying the process of creating something new.
Sitting now and wondering what the heck is life really all about. I know what it's NOT about:
1. Shopping - for what? Stuff? It has no appeal to me anymore.
2. Eating out - There is some fun in that but not as much as before.
3. The Shop - Normally I would be busy at the shop today, running around, doing stuff that seemed important but didn't really amount to much as just same ole', same ole'
4. Stressing about work related issues - That seems senseless to me now. What was I stressing about? I can't even remember anymore. One day I won't be active in the work world. I need to always remember that.
5. Finances - I haven't had that as a major worry lately but even now looking at the medical bills and wondering how much money will come in while on short term disability seems like "oh okay" this will pass, why worry about it?
6. Misery - I just got back from the fishing pier where I was sitting, looking out at the water, listening to crabbers and fishermen and thinking why not just be joyful? Why continue to dwell in misery? This has been apparent to me that I haven't gone a day that I haven't been upset about something stupid. It makes no sense to me. I'm focusing now on joy and what that really means.